HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE – DALE CARNEGIE

“How to Win Friends and Influence People,” first published in 1937 with a modest initial print run, unexpectedly became a sensation, evolving into one of the best-selling books of all time. Its enduring popularity spans generations, languages, and cultural contexts. Dale Carnegie, the author, constantly revised his work during his lifetime to adapt to changing societal needs. Recognizing the evolving landscape, the decision to revise the book aims to ensure its relevance for modern readers without altering its essence. The revision retains Carnegie’s lively style while updating examples to resonate with contemporary audiences. By honing and polishing this timeless tool, the aim is to empower readers worldwide to apply its principles for personal and professional growth.

PART 1: FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE

CHAPTER 1: IF YOU WANT TO GATHER HONEY, DON’T KICK OVER THE BEEHIVE

In 1931, the dramatic manhunt for ‘Two Gun’ Crowley, a notorious killer in New York City, ended in a fierce shootout. Despite being described as a dangerous criminal, Crowley saw himself differently, even writing a letter claiming a kind heart. This perspective isn’t unique among criminals. Figures like Al Capone and Dutch Schultz also saw themselves as misunderstood benefactors.

The story raises questions about how people perceive themselves versus how others see them. Dale Carnegie, the author, emphasizes that criticizing others often leads to resentment and does little to bring about positive change. He illustrates this with anecdotes, including one about Abraham Lincoln, who learned to avoid criticism and instead focus on understanding and forgiveness.

Carnegie’s message is clear: rather than condemn and criticize, we should strive to understand and empathize with others. By doing so, we foster sympathy, tolerance, and kindness, making the world a better place.

CHAPTER 2: THE BIG SECRETE OF DEALING WITH PEOPLE

The main point of the passage is that the most effective way to get someone to do something is by making them want to do it. The author emphasizes that while coercion and threats can force compliance, they often lead to negative consequences. Instead, the key is to understand what people want and to give them that, whether it’s recognition, appreciation, or a feeling of importance.

The author discusses the innate human desire for importance and recognition, citing examples from history and personal anecdotes. They argue that genuine appreciation and encouragement can have a transformative effect on people’s lives, citing instances where praise and recognition led individuals to achieve great success.

The passage also distinguishes between genuine appreciation and flattery, highlighting the importance of sincerity in giving praise. It stresses the need to focus on others’ good points and to express honest appreciation for their efforts and accomplishments.

Overall, the author advocates for a new way of life centered around genuine appreciation and encouragement, rather than criticism and ridicule. They believe that by nourishing people’s self-esteem and recognizing their contributions, we can build stronger relationships and foster personal growth and success.

CHAPTER 3: HE WHO CAN DO THIS HAS THE WHOLE WORLD WITH HIM. HE WHO CAN NOT WALK A LONELY WAY

The passage talks about the importance of understanding what others want to influence them effectively. It uses examples from fishing to parenting to illustrate this point. The main idea is to focus on what the other person desires, rather than solely on one’s desires when trying to persuade or influence them. By appealing to their wants and needs, one can create a stronger connection and achieve better results. The passage emphasizes the importance of empathy, understanding, and the ability to see things from the other person’s perspective in achieving success in various aspects of life, including business, relationships, and parenting.

PART TWO: SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU

CHAPTER ONE: DO THIS AND YOU’LL BE WELCOME ANYWHERE

The book emphasizes the importance of genuinely showing interest in other people to make friends and influence them positively. It uses anecdotes and examples, such as the loyalty of a dog and the success of famous individuals like magicians and politicians, to illustrate this principle. By genuinely caring about others and showing enthusiasm, individuals can win the attention and cooperation of even the busiest or most sought-after people. This approach not only helps in making friends but also fosters loyalty and goodwill in personal and professional relationships.

CHAPTER TWO: A SIMPLE WAY TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION

At a dinner party in New York, a wealthy woman, focused on impressing others with her extravagant possessions, neglected her sour and selfish demeanor. The story emphasizes the importance of a genuine smile, which communicates warmth and kindness more effectively than material wealth. Various anecdotes illustrate how a smile can transform interactions, whether in business, personal relationships, or everyday encounters. Research and personal experiences highlight the power of a sincere smile to improve mood, foster connections, and even enhance professional success. Ultimately, the message is clear: happiness comes from within, and a smile can brighten the lives of those around us, spreading joy and goodwill.

CHAPTER THREE: IF YOU DON’T DO THIS, YOU ARE AHEAD FOR TROUBLE

In 1898, tragedy struck in Rockland County, New York, when a child’s death led to an accidental death as well. Jim Farley, a father of three, was killed by his horse while preparing for a funeral. Despite a lack of formal education, his son Jim Jr. excelled in politics due to his ability to remember people’s names and make them feel valued. This skill played a crucial role in his success, including his role in Franklin D. Roosevelt’s presidential campaign. Farley’s technique for remembering names involved learning details about individuals and using their names in subsequent encounters, earning him a loyal following. His approach exemplified the power of personal connection and attention to detail in both business and social interactions. This practice of remembering and using names is not just important for leaders but can enhance relationships and create positive experiences for everyone involved.

CHAPTER FOUR: AN EASY WAY TO BECOME A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST

The author recounts two instances where they were able to make a strong positive impression on others simply by listening attentively. In the first story, they engage a woman in conversation about her travels, letting her speak at length about her experiences without interjecting. In the second story, they listen keenly to a botanist at a dinner party, despite knowing little about botany, and the botanist appreciates the attention. The author emphasizes the importance of listening in various situations, from business interviews to personal interactions. They illustrate how attentive listening can resolve conflicts, build relationships, and even lead to personal growth. Ultimately, the key to being a good conversationalist is being genuinely interested in others and their experiences.

CHAPTER FIVE: HOW TO INTEREST PEOPLE

The author shares examples of how influential figures, like Theodore Roosevelt, and ordinary individuals effectively engaged others by discussing topics of interest to them. By showing genuine interest in what others value, they were able to build rapport and achieve their objectives. These stories illustrate the power of understanding and catering to the interests of others in various contexts, from personal interactions to business negotiations. Ultimately, talking about what matters to the other person is key to successful communication and relationship-building.

CHAPTER SIX: HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU INSTANTLY

The author recounts several stories to illustrate the profound impact of genuine appreciation and recognition in human interactions. Whether it’s complimenting a postal clerk’s appearance, expressing admiration for an elderly lady’s home, or discussing shared interests with a famous attorney, sincere appreciation has led to remarkable outcomes. From receiving valuable gifts to securing business deals and building lifelong friendships, the simple act of making others feel important and appreciated yields significant rewards. Ultimately, the Golden Rule of treating others as we would like to be treated is emphasized as a guiding principle for fostering positive relationships and achieving success in various aspects of life.

PART THREE: HOW TO WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF WAITING

CHAPTER ONE: YOU CAN’T WIN AN AGREEMENT

After World War I, I learned a valuable lesson during a banquet in London. Sir Ross Smith, a famous Australian pilot, was being honored. I got into an argument about a quote’s origin, trying to correct someone. Later, my friend Frank taught me a lesson: arguing only makes people uncomfortable and can damage relationships.

I realized I had a habit of arguing, even though I knew better. Over time, I learned that arguing rarely changes minds and often makes things worse. I learned this lesson from various experiences, including teaching a stubborn salesman to be more diplomatic.

Arguments usually end with both parties feeling more convinced of their views. Even if you “win,” you may harm the other person’s pride and damage the relationship.

I learned to avoid arguments by listening, being diplomatic, and finding common ground. This approach is more effective in resolving disagreements and maintaining good relationships.

I also learned from examples like a tax consultant who avoided arguing with a government official and successfully resolved a dispute through appreciation and empathy.

Ultimately, it’s better to seek understanding and build bridges than to engage in arguments that only lead to division and resentment. It’s important to control our impulses, listen to others, and approach disagreements with tact and respect.

CHAPTER TWO: A SURE WAY OF MAKING ENEMIES – AND HOW TO AVOID IT

Theodore Roosevelt once admitted that if he could be right 75 percent of the time, it would meet his highest expectations. This suggests that even a highly esteemed figure like him acknowledged the challenge of being consistently correct. The author emphasizes that if you can’t be certain of being right even 55 percent of the time, there’s little reason to insist others are wrong. Criticizing someone’s intelligence or judgment rarely persuades them to change their minds; it often leads to defensiveness and conflict.

Instead, the author advocates for a more diplomatic approach. Rather than declaring someone wrong outright, it’s better to express openness to being corrected and to invite a discussion based on facts. Examples from various fields, including business and law, illustrate how humility and tactfulness can lead to better outcomes. The author concludes that diplomacy and avoiding confrontation are keys to successful communication and persuasion, echoing timeless wisdom from figures like Benjamin Franklin, Carl Rogers, and Jesus.

CHAPTER THREE: IF YOU’RE WRONG, ADMIT IT

The narrator enjoys walks with their dog, Rex, in a nearby forest park. Despite knowing it’s against the law, they let Rex roam without a leash or muzzle. After being warned by a policeman, they promise to obey but eventually slip up. When caught again, instead of arguing, they admit fault, which leads to leniency from the officer. The story illustrates the power of self-criticism and admitting mistakes. Examples are given of individuals who benefitted from owning up to errors rather than defending them. Ultimately, it’s suggested that admitting faults quickly and enthusiastically can lead to better outcomes and even improve relationships.

CHAPTER FOUR: A DROP OF HONEY

Getting angry and confrontational may feel satisfying, but it rarely convinces others or resolves conflicts. Woodrow Wilson’s advice about approaching disagreements with calm discussion rather than hostility is exemplified by John D. Rockefeller Jr., who managed to quell a violent strike-through friendly dialogue. Similarly, business leaders like Robert F. Black found success by praising strikers and fostering goodwill instead of resorting to confrontation. Daniel Webster and Dean Woodcock also achieved their goals by employing a friendly and understanding approach. Even in personal situations, like negotiating rent or resolving disputes, being friendly and empathetic can lead to better outcomes, as demonstrated by O.L. Straub and Gerald H. Winn. Ultimately, the lesson from Aesop’s fable and Lincoln’s words is clear: kindness and friendliness are more effective than force and hostility in resolving conflicts and winning people over.

CHAPTER FIVE: THE SECRET OF SOCRATES

When engaging with others, focus on common ground rather than differences. Encourage agreement by eliciting “Yes” responses, as saying “No” creates resistance. By starting positively and guiding the conversation towards agreement, you can achieve better outcomes. This approach was successful for individuals like James Eberson, who secured a customer by understanding their needs, and Joseph Allison, who resolved a sales issue by getting the customer to agree with logical points. Even ancient philosophers like Socrates used this method, known as the “Socratic method,” to guide discussions and persuade others. Ultimately, the lesson is to approach interactions with gentleness and understanding, as it leads to greater success and harmony.

CHAPTER SIX: THE SAFETY VALVE IN HANDLING COMPLAINTS

To effectively persuade others, let them do most of the talking. People know more about their problems and desires than you do, so ask questions and listen attentively. This approach not only works in business but also personal relationships. For example, a sales representative won a major contract by letting the president of a company speak on his behalf when he lost his voice. Similarly, a mother improved her relationship with her daughter by listening to her concerns instead of lecturing. Additionally, showing genuine interest and letting others talk about their achievements fosters better connections. It’s better to let friends excel than to boast about our accomplishments, as it makes them feel important. In professional settings, a job applicant talks himself into a position by discussing the advantages of working for the company. Ultimately, listening more and speaking less leads to better outcomes in various situations.

CHAPTER SEVEN: HOW TO GET COOPERATION

People are more receptive to ideas they discover themselves rather than those forced upon them. Adolph Seltz, a sales manager, revitalized his team by letting them voice their expectations and commitments. Eugene Wesson, a sketch salesman, turned his fortunes around by asking buyers for their input instead of pushing his designs. In family matters, involving everyone in decision-making fosters cooperation, as seen in Paul M. Davis’s vacation planning. Even in politics, subtly planting ideas without claiming credit can yield significant influence, as demonstrated by Colonel Edward M. House’s approach to President Woodrow Wilson. Ultimately, letting others feel ownership of ideas leads to better outcomes, whether in business, politics, or personal relationships.

CHAPTER EIGHT: A FORMULA THAT WILL WORK WONDERS FOR YOU

Understanding that others may hold differing perspectives is crucial. Instead of condemning them, try to comprehend their reasoning and emotions. Kenneth M. Goode emphasizes the importance of empathizing with others’ concerns, as success in interpersonal relationships hinges on considering their viewpoints. Practical examples illustrate how this approach fosters cooperation and resolves conflicts. By seeing situations through others’ eyes, tensions can be eased, relationships strengthened, and better outcomes achieved. Dean Donham underscores the value of preparation, advocating for a clear understanding of others’ interests and motives before engaging in any interaction. Ultimately, prioritizing empathy and considering others’ perspectives can profoundly impact personal and professional success.

CHAPTER NINE: WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS

The magic phrase to diffuse arguments and foster goodwill is: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” Understanding that circumstances shape individuals’ behaviors, like how Al Capone’s environment influenced him, allows for genuine empathy. President Taft and others exemplify how sympathy resolves conflicts. By sympathizing with others’ perspectives, like Jay Mangum did with a hotel manager, or Joyce Norris did with a piano student, tensions are eased. Sol Hurok’s handling of temperamental artists underscores the power of sympathy in resolving disputes. Overall, sympathy is universally craved and a potent tool for winning people over.

CHAPTER TEN: AN APPEAL THAT EVERYBODY LIKES

Growing up near Jesse James’ territory, Dale Carnegie visited the James farm and learned of Jesse’s belief in his own idealism, akin to later crime bosses. People often have hidden motives, so appeal to their nobler intentions to influence them positively. This approach proved effective in business, like when Hamilton J. Farrell handled a tenant dispute with understanding. Using similar tactics, Lord Northcliffe and John D. Rockefeller Jr. resolved personal matters by appealing to respect and empathy. Even in tough situations, like collecting overdue bills, appealing to people’s sense of fairness and honesty can yield surprising results, as demonstrated by James L. Thomas’ experience. Ultimately, assuming people’s sincerity and integrity can often lead to mutually beneficial outcomes.

CHAPTER ELEVEN: THE MOVIES DO IT. TV DOES IT. WHY DON’T YOU DO IT?

Years ago, the Philadelphia Evening Bulletin faced damaging rumors. To combat this, they published a book titled “One Day,” showcasing their extensive news content. This demonstrates the power of dramatization in conveying messages effectively. Dramatization is common in advertising, where techniques like displaying live rats boost sales. In personal interactions, like sales pitches or resolving conflicts, dramatizing ideas can be highly effective. For instance, a salesman dramatically dumped jars of cold cream to illustrate market research findings, leading to a successful presentation. In everyday life, like convincing a boss for a meeting or getting children to clean up, adding dramatic elements can make a significant difference in outcomes.

CHAPTER TWELVE: WHEN NOTHING ELSE WORKS, TRY THIS.

Charles Schwab, facing low productivity at a mill, used a simple tactic to spur competition among workers. He chalked the day’s production on the floor, sparking a friendly rivalry between shifts. This challenge led to a significant increase in productivity. Schwab believed in stimulating competition to achieve results. Challenges and the desire to excel have historically motivated individuals, from Theodore Roosevelt to Sing Sing’s famous warden, Lewis E. Lawes. Studies show that the most motivating factor for workers is the work itself, highlighting the universal desire for self-expression and the chance to excel.

PART FOUR: BE A LEADER: HOW TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENCE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT

CHAPTER ONE: IF YOU MUST FIND FAULT, THIS IS THE WAY TO BEGIN

In various situations, effective leaders have employed the strategy of beginning with praise before delivering criticism or requesting changes. Calvin Coolidge, for instance, complimented his secretary’s appearance before gently addressing her punctuation errors. Similarly, William McKinley praised a campaign speech before suggesting improvements, and Abraham Lincoln praised General Hooker’s positive qualities before addressing his shortcomings. This approach helps soften the impact of criticism and makes it easier for individuals to accept feedback or change. In everyday business interactions, beginning with praise can lead to better outcomes, as demonstrated by examples like W.P. Gaw’s successful negotiation and Dorothy Wrublewski’s improvement of a teller trainee’s performance.

CHAPTER TWO: HOW TO CRITICISE – AND NOT BE HATED FOR IT

Charles Schwab and John Wanamaker employed the strategy of indirect correction to address issues without offending. Schwab, upon encountering employees smoking where prohibited, distributed cigars and politely requested they smoke outside. Similarly, Wanamaker discreetly attended to a neglected customer himself, setting an example for his sales staff. Leaders like Mayor Carl Langford have also implemented open-door policies to foster accessibility to constituents. In interpersonal communication, replacing the word “but” with “and” when offering criticism can make feedback more constructive and less confrontational. Examples like Marge Jacob’s handling of construction workers and Master Sergeant Harley Kaiser’s approach to enforcing army regulations illustrate the effectiveness of indirect correction in various contexts. Lastly, the story of Lyman Abbott demonstrates how subtle praise combined with gentle suggestions can lead to meaningful change without offending.

CHAPTER THREE: TALK ABOUT YOUR OWN MISTAKES FIRST

Dale Carnegie shares his experience of mentoring his niece, Josephine, who started as his secretary with little business experience. Instead of criticizing her mistakes, he began by humbly admitting his past errors. By acknowledging his shortcomings, he softened the critique and encouraged Josephine to learn from her mistakes. Similarly, E.G. Dillistone used a similar approach with his secretary, emphasizing the importance of professionalism in written communication. Prince Bernhard von Bülow also employed this strategy when faced with the daunting task of dealing with Kaiser Wilhelm II’s reckless statements. Von Bülow initially faltered but managed to salvage the situation by praising the Kaiser’s strengths before offering criticism. This tactic of humility and praise proved effective in diffusing tension and fostering positive relationships. Clarence Zerhusen later applied a similar approach when addressing his son’s experimentation with cigarettes, sharing his struggles with nicotine addiction rather than lecturing or threatening. This approach led to his son’s decision to abstain from smoking, demonstrating the power of humility and vulnerability in influencing behavior positively.

CHAPTER FOUR: NO ONE LIKES TO TAKE ORDERS

Ida Tarbell, the renowned American biographer, shared a valuable insight about Owen D. Young’s leadership style with Dale Carnegie. Young never gave direct orders; instead, he offered suggestions and asked for input, allowing his team to take initiative and learn from their mistakes. This approach fosters cooperation, saves pride, and encourages creativity. Conversely, brash orders can breed resentment, as seen when a teacher’s harsh approach to a student’s parking mistake led to classroom rebellion. Asking questions, as Ian Macdonald did in a manufacturing plant, not only makes orders more acceptable but also stimulates creativity and a sense of ownership among employees, leading to successful outcomes. Effective leaders understand the power of gentle guidance and collaboration in achieving goals.

CHAPTER FIVE: LET THE OTHER PERSON SAVE FACE

General Electric faced the challenge of removing Charles Steinmetz from a department he was failing to lead effectively. Instead of firing him, they gave him the new title of Consulting Engineer, allowing someone else to head the department. This saved Steinmetz’s pride and avoided conflict. Dale Carnegie emphasizes the importance of letting others “save face” to maintain dignity and cooperation. Marshall Granger’s approach of tactfully dismissing seasonal employees showed how a considerate approach fosters loyalty. Contrastingly, Fred Clark’s story of a vice president’s aggressive faultfinding led to a valued employee leaving, while Anna Mazzone’s boss’s supportive response to her mistake boosted her confidence and loyalty. Carnegie concludes that preserving others’ dignity, even when they are wrong, is crucial for effective leadership and fostering positive relationships.

CHAPTER SIX: HOW TO SPUR PEOPLE ON TWO SUCCESS

Dale Carnegie reflects on the effectiveness of praise in motivating people, drawing parallels between training dogs and guiding humans. He shares stories of how praise transformed lives: Enrico Caruso, Charles Dickens, and H.G. Wells received encouragement that altered their destinies. Carnegie advocates for using praise instead of criticism, citing B.F. Skinner’s teachings and real-life examples where praise led to positive outcomes. He emphasizes the importance of genuine, specific praise in fostering loyalty and productivity. Carnegie concludes by urging readers to inspire others by recognizing their hidden potential and unleashing the power of praise to transform lives.

CHAPTER SEVEN: GIVE A DOG A GOOD NAME

Dale Carnegie illustrates the power of reputation and positive reinforcement in improving people’s performance. He shares anecdotes where individuals, such as a mechanic, a dishwasher, a sales representative, and a charwoman, were motivated to excel after receiving praise and recognition for their abilities. By giving them reputations to live up to, Carnegie shows how people can be inspired to meet higher expectations and transform their behavior. He emphasizes the importance of respectful communication and constructive feedback in fostering positive change.

CHAPTER EIGHT: MAKE THE FAULT SEEM EASY TO CORRECT

Dale Carnegie illustrates the power of encouragement and positive reinforcement in motivating people to improve. He shares stories of individuals who excelled after receiving praise and support for their abilities, such as a bachelor learning to dance and a struggling student mastering mathematics. Carnegie emphasizes the importance of building confidence and making tasks seem achievable to inspire growth and achievement in others.

CHAPTER NINE: MAKING PEOPLE GLAD TO DO WHAT YOU WANT

In 1915, amidst the horrors of war in Europe, Woodrow Wilson sought to send a peace emissary to counsel European leaders. When choosing his representative, Wilson employed tact and diplomacy to avoid offending William Jennings Bryan, who coveted the role. Wilson made his appointee, Colonel House, feel important, deftly managing Bryan’s disappointment. Similarly, Wilson invited William Gibbs McAdoo to his cabinet with grace, making McAdoo feel honored to accept. However, Wilson’s failure to employ such tact led to his downfall when dealing with the League of Nations and Republicans. These principles of making others happy about doing what you suggest apply beyond diplomacy, as seen in family dynamics and workplace situations, where incentives and titles can effectively change attitudes and behavior. Effective leaders should be sincere, empathetic, and focus on the benefits to the other person when making requests, increasing the likelihood of cooperation.

A SHORTCUT TO DISTINCTION BY LOWELL THOMAS

This introduction provides a glimpse into Dale Carnegie’s impact and the origins of his renowned course on public speaking and human relations. It recounts a packed event in 1935 where 2,500 individuals gathered to learn about “Effective Speaking and Influencing Men in Business,” offered by the Dale Carnegie Institute. The text highlights Carnegie’s ability to transform lives, from a struggling farm boy to a successful salesman and eventually a revered educator. His approach focused on practical skills and building confidence, catering to the needs of business professionals seeking immediate results. Through anecdotes and testimonials, Carnegie’s legacy as a pioneer in adult education is celebrated, emphasizing his philosophy of self-improvement and empowerment.